We know, somewhere in our brains, when we see social media posts that we aren’t always getting the whole story. So, this post is my attempt to be transparent. To share the whole story, or at least another side of it. CW: depression, anxiety, negative self-talk, ED
I just got a prescription for anxiety meds. You may be surprised by that. Maybe my Facebook and Insta look like I’ve got it going on. And I do, and am exceptionally grateful for the work I’ve had on super cool projects, the recognition I’ve recently received, and the fact that I live where it’s sunny and warm 90% of the year.
But. Those aren’t the only stories my brain tells me.
It tells me how I’m not any good because I don’t have any projects right now. Yup, you read that right. I don’t have any artistic work right now. Actually last Intimacy Coordination project was at the end of August, the last show I Intimacy Directed closed in September, and I don’t have anything on my calendar until January. Despite last season’s busy-ness and award-winning and -nominated work, this year, I’m not working (frankly, I’d rather have the work than the awards…). In fact, according to my brain, I’ll probably never work again.
It also has a lot of other things to say:
That other people get more work/cooler work than me, and that makes them better than me.
How I made a mistake living here, because it is incredibly hard to make a living in art here. I should move away from the people and community I love, so I can be more successful.
That I should charge more.
That I charge too much.
I’m not a real artist, I’ve just been acting like it. Or that the old saying “Those who can do; those who can’t teach” is true about me. Because I’m teaching A LOT right now. But I’m not doing much creating.
There have been days this fall that I struggled to get out of bed because my lack of work as an ID/IC had me feeling completely unmoored from my world and myself. Who am I if I’m not working?
I’ve had a job since I was 14. So almost 2/3 of my life. I don’t really know how to NOT work. And I don’t know who I am, as an adult human, without it. I’m talking through these things in therapy. But it’s HARD. It’s really hard, y’all.
To do good work, and work you love, and not get to do it.
To do good work, and work you love, and see how it also has become too much of you, so that a lack of it is poisoning and paralyzing you, to the point of not eating and revisiting ED thoughts you thought you worked past nearly 20 years ago.
To have the negative stories be so loud in your head that the consistent stuff and good stuff barely even exist. The fact that I’ve written an article with two colleagues and submitted it for publication? Written a thesis? Have actually had time to rest? Have been able to teach a lot, and I truly believe teaching changes the world? It all feels like “not enough”, because 1 facet of my life isn’t currently existing in the way I want it to.
And this doesn’t show up on my social media. I want you to think I’m perfect. I’m good. I’m good enough.
So, here I am, showing it. That I’ve had a really hard, really draining fall. That I feel burnt-out, and simultaneously I like I don’t deserve to feel that way. That I’m scared. That I feel like a failure as an artist and a human.
I don’t really know what to do. And I’m not looking for pity or advice. I’m just trying to show that all that sparkles isn’t gold. Sometimes it’s tears.